12 Things That Should NEVER Go Near Your Cooch
by Michelle Spencer, Feb 09, 2018
If you are the proud owner of a vagina, you want it to be healthy, clean and powerful — basically, an all-around lovely part of your body and a welcoming place for your sex partner. In an effort to make their lady flower more enticing, it has become trendy for women to try putting things in, on or around it. So here’s your PSA: Ladies, your cooch is wonderful just the way it is. Don’t forget to show it some love, and read on to discover 12 things you should avoid putting anywhere near it.
Sure, a cup of java is great way to boost energy and motivation. But if you were nine months pregnant and past your due date, would you ever use hot coffee to prompt a baby out of your womb? That’s what some pregnant women are trying. To induce labor, they’ll squat over a bowl full of boiling coffee grounds for 20 minutes. They believe the caffeine from the coffee grounds will cause their uterus to contract, and the steam from the hot coffee will loosen up their mucus plug, which can prompt labor. While caffeine can cause muscles to contract, this labor-inducing approach is not advised. As M.D., OB-GYN and president of Sapphire Women’s Health Group in New Jersey Donnica Moore told People, “There are no clinical research trials to say whether it works or not. And in pregnancy, you don’t want to do any interventions that have not shown to be safe and effective.”
2. GLITTER BOMBS
Want your “big O” to unleash a spirited, sparkly surprise for your lover? That’s what glitter bombs are advertised to do. But this glittery “magical sex dust” isn’t so magical for you and your partner. It can disturb vaginal pH, harm good vaginal bacteria, and increase the risk for sexually transmitted diseases. Dr. Julie Lemoine, OB-GYN, says, “This sounds like an infection waiting to happen.” She explains, “Small pieces of glitter can serve as a focus of infection when left in the vagina. I don’t really understand how the bomb ‘explodes,’ but it seems like it could cause tissue irritation, damage, and pain.
3. OAK GALLS
If your vagina is a little “roomy,” and you don’t have the time or patience for Kegels, you may have heard about the recent trend of inserting an oak gall into your vagina to restore its elasticity. An oak gall — also known as a ground-up wasp nest — is a roundish hardball that results when wasps lay eggs in an oak tree. When you place it into your lady parts, it’s supposed to tighten and dry them up. But, according to Dr. Thais Aliabadi, OB-GYN, this is one trend you should stay far away from. “Inserting anything foreign — including ground-up bits of a wasp’s nests — can cause irritation, infection, and painful vaginal abrasions,” she says.
4. YONI TEAS
These tiny bags of mugwort, rosemary, and other herbs can be dropped into a pan of hot water beneath an open-seated stool to steam your “yoni” (vaginal area) with the promise of nourishing, detoxing, and promoting its health. While the thought of having your cooch curl up with a hot cup of tea sounds comforting, it’s actually extremely dangerous. Dr. Thais Aliabadi, OB-GYN, says: “Yoni steaming can cause serious vaginal burn and injury, especially if you’re doing it at home because you can’t control the temperature. It can also burn your bladder and rectum.” She elaborates, “Post-vaginal childbirth, you can experience cystocele or rectocele — where the supportive tissue between the bladder and vagina or the rectum and vagina can weaken and stretch, allowing the bladder or rectum to bulge into the vagina. So yoni steaming can burn those organs as well.”
5. JADE EGGS
Gwyneth Paltrow’s site Goop praised jade eggs for “harnessing the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a Kegel-like physical practice.” They’re also touted to increase orgasms, hormonal balance, and feminine energy. But is walking around with a golf-ball-size egg in your vagina really all that? “Under the supervision of a pelvic floor physical therapist, a similar product could be used to aid in pelvic floor strength. Improved pelvic floor function can help with incontinence and painful sex — and therefore, increase sexual pleasure,” says Dr. Julie Lemoine, OB-GYN. “But any hormonal or energy change isn’t really physiologically plausible.” She adds, “If you do have pelvic floor problems and use a weighted device without instruction from a therapist, it could actually cause more problems than benefits.”
You know that eating plain yogurt with live cultures of Lactobacillus acidophilus — a natural, “friendly” bacteria — can help prevent yeast infections. But can putting a yogurt-soaked tampon directly into your vagina instantly “cure” a yeast infection? Before you start feeding all-natural yogurt to your peach, consider the consequences. “Inserting tampons in your vagina that are soaked in anything — yogurt, alcohol, coffee — is a bad idea,” says Dr. Julie Lemoine, OB-GYN. “The vagina is very vascular and will absorb substances quickly, but it’s also a sensitive homeostasis. Introducing new bacteria or causing inflammation can lead to infection.”
Grooming your lady garden can leave behind some unsightly ingrown hairs and bumps. Vagacials — a “facial” for your vagina comprised of exfoliating gels and calming masks — claim to eliminate these ingrown hairs and bumps by cleansing and peeling to clean blocked pores. But, according to Dr. Thais Aliabadi, OB-GYN, this beauty treatment may mean bad news: “The skin in that area is extremely sensitive. So any sort of exfoliants or creams on the exterior of your vagina — including hair-removal creams — can cause surface abrasions or an allergic reaction.” Your best bet? Save the gels and masks for your face.
8. MAKEUP SPONGES
Those cosmetic sponges you use to blend foundation have been serving another purpose: Some ladies claim that you can shove them into your cooch to have mess-free period sex. According to the trend, you’re supposed to insert one or two before sex, then fish them out after the deed. But here’s why you can chalk this up to the list of terrible ideas: “When you insert a tampon, there’s a string to remind you to take it out. With cosmetic sponges or sea sponges, there’s no reminder,” says Dr. Thais Aliabadi, OB-GYN. “So if you get distracted and forget to remove the sponge or are unable to remove it because it’s lodged too far up in your vagina, it’s a source of infection or irritation — and it could lead to toxic shock syndrome.”
Perhaps you’ve inspected your lady parts closely and decided that you’d like to regain that “new-cooch glow.” Then you discovered The Perfect V’s Shades of Very V Luminizer, which promises to highlight, soften, illuminate and “add some extra prettiness to the V.” But is this actually good for your it? According to Dr. Thais Aliabadi, who specializes in obstetrics, gynecology, and infertility, the answer is no. “Anything that you apply on the exterior around your vagina can cause irritation,” she says. “So I would advise against it.”
10. PUBIC DYES
Let’s face it: The rainbow-colored hair trend has been huge. So it’s only natural (well, sort of) that pubes follow suit. From aqua blue to hot pink and more, you have the option of making your peach as vibrant as you want — but just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Although there are dyes that are specially made for the “hair down there,” Dr. Thais Aliabadi, OB-GYN, advises: “Just know that you’re taking a risk. It’s a sensitive area, so any sort of pubic hair dye can still cause irritation.”
If you rock a Brazilian and glitz is your thing, you may be tempted to bling out your lady parts — also known as “vajazzling.” But these sparkly crystal adhesive “cooch gems” come with a warning. Dr. Julie Lemoine, OB-GYN, says, “You should be careful with any glue on the outside of the vagina. And definitely don’t put anything inside the vagina. Introducing anything that can get left behind can be a source of irritation, odor, and infection.”
You’ve probably heard that garlic has medicinal properties. But would you ever shove cloves of it into your hoo-ha to improve vaginal health and stop a yeast infection? If you’re considering it, remember that your vagina is not a secret storage unit for seasonings — especially this particular one. According to Dr. Thais Aliabadi: “Garlic can irritate and even burn the skin of the vagina.” For the comfort and health of your cooch, don’t be fooled into trying this at-home remedy. If you think you have a yeast infection, see your gynecologist.
Michelle Spencer is a writer, music addict, and fitness devotee. Hailing from St. Louis, Missouri, she moved to L.A. in 2007 and has tried nearly every type of Crunch workout class – from Pound™ and 2FLY to Jillian Michaels’ Bodyshred and Diesel. (Running, weights, yoga, and spin are her staples.) She has also written for Thrillist, Brobible/Guyism, and Dame.
Please check out her writings on her website. She is good!
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