Interview with Dr. Lisa Damour, New York Times Bestselling Author and Adolescent Psychologist

Table of Contents

• Why this conversation matters
• How we structured this interview
• Recognizing anxiety and depression—what parents miss
• Language matters: how we talk to teens
• Practical scripts that work
• When punishment works and when it doesn’t
• Self-care for parents
• Resources and next steps
• Key takeaways
• Excerpt we keep coming back to
• FAQ
• Final note

Why this conversation matters

We raise our hands for any parent who has felt simultaneously proud, baffled, and a little terrified while watching a child become a teenager. At the center of this messy, beautiful stretch of life are questions about independence, friendship, identity, big feelings, safety, and when to worry. Dr. Thais Aliabadi and Mary Alice Haney speak with Dr. Lisa Damour, who has spent three decades working with teens, training clinicians, and translating complex research into practical, compassionate guidance. Her framework—rooted in developmental tasks she calls the seven strands—gives caregivers an organized way to track what teens are learning and when a behavior signals a deeper problem.

How we structured this interview

The format below mirrors the kinds of real questions parents ask and the candid, evidence-informed answers Lisa gives. We keep the questions short and bold so you can skim to the topics that matter most. Read it like a long, practical conversation you wish you’d had in the pediatrician’s office.

How did Untangled come to be, and what are the seven developmental strands?

Lisa set out to help clinicians and parents make sense of adolescence. She was supervising graduate students who were overwhelmed by complex teen cases and realized that organizing adolescent development into “jobs” the teen needs to do would help caregivers identify strengths and gaps. Borrowing the idea of developmental lines from thinkers such as Anna Freud, she created seven strands:

• Parting with childhood — learning boundaries and separateness.
• Joining a new pack — forming peer relationships that matter.
• Harnessing emotions — developing healthy coping for powerful feelings.
• Contending with adult authority — pushing against grown-ups to find rules and autonomy.
• Planning for the future — creating practical plans to step into adulthood.
• Entering the romantic world — learning what healthy relationships feel like.
• Learning to care for themselves — acquiring daily habits, hygiene, and safety skills.

These strands overlap and often move forward in sequence, but they can show up at different times for different teens. The value is that each strand explains a set of behaviors and gives caregivers a way to pinpoint what to support instead of taking everything personally.

Chapter One: Why do teens close doors and seek privacy? Isn’t that rejection?

Closing the bedroom door is usually not an act of defiance. Around ages 11 and 12, many kids realize they are not going to live with us forever and begin practicing independence while still under our roof. A closed door is often a rehearsal for adulthood—a space where the teen experiments with being separate. We should read it as growth rather than personal rejection.

What if a child withdraws too much—what should we watch for?

Privacy is healthy, but isolation is not. If a teen’s separateness includes avoiding peers, losing interest in school, or refusing to leave the house because of severe anxiety, those are red flags. The litmus test is whether the teen is still moving forward on the developmental lines. If not, it’s time to ask for help.

Chapter Two: How important are friendships? Isn’t one friend enough?

Peers matter more than most parents realize. Teens don’t need a huge social group— the happiest adolescents often have one or two close friends. The difference between zero friends and one friend is enormous. If a teen has trouble making or keeping friends, start by diagnosing why. Is it limited social skills, a small school that doesn’t provide a good fit, or simply not having been exposed to the right activities where they can meet like-minded peers?

How can parents help a teen who struggles to connect?

Create new “traffic patterns.” Help them try a club, a team, a volunteering role, or a class that brings them into contact with potential friends. Teach social skills directly when needed. Remember: we don’t make friends, we find friends.

Chapter three: Why are teenage emotions so intense, and how should we respond?

Teen feelings are big because their brains are wired that way during adolescence. The key is coping. Distress happens; what matters is how teens try to relieve it. Are they reaching for destructive strategies like substance use or self-harm, or are they finding relief through exercise, music, talking with a friend, or creative outlets? We should focus less on eliminating emotion and more on supporting adaptive coping.

What healthy coping looks like for teens (it won’t always look like adult mindfulness)

Teens often soothe themselves in ways adults might not expect: listening to music, texting a close friend, snuggling a pet, playing a short video game, or taking a walk. Notice and validate these healthy strategies rather than holding teens to an adult-sized standard.

How do we tell the difference between normal mood swings and something more serious?

The rule of thumb is interference with forward development. If big feelings are regularly stopping the teen from going to school, making friends, taking care of themselves, or planning for the future, then it is more than typical moodiness and deserves evaluation.

Chapter four: Is it “normal” for teens to push back at adults?

Absolutely. Pushing against adult authority is developmentally appropriate. Teens use questioning, testing boundaries, and pointing out inconsistencies to discover where rules actually are. This friction is part of carving out adult identity and, paradoxically, often improves our thinking as adults. That said, there are red flags: if a teen antagonizes every adult in every setting or, conversely, never pushes back at all, either pattern merits attention.

How should parents respond when teens act defiantly?

Keep the response proportional and focus on repair. If your teen asks a lot of “why” questions or rolls their eyes at home but behaves respectfully at school, they are likely doing the normal developmental work. If your teen is needling teachers or every adult in their life, look deeper for social or emotional issues.

Should we demand respect or teach politeness?

Respect is earned and is a high bar. We can demand politeness, which is the minimum standard for interacting with another human being. And we should model respect for ourselves. If adults publicly shame, mock, or belittle kids, it is impossible to require them to show respect in return.

Chapter five: How do we balance accountability and not produce stress about the future?

Two rules help here. First, align expectations: the parent’s ambitions should be in conversation with the teen’s interests and capacities. If the parents’ goals are drastically larger than the teen’s, friction and stress follow. Second, be honest about what teens can control. The college admissions landscape has changed. We must tell teens which variables matter and which are outside their control so that effort is directed wisely. Encouragement is helpful; coercion rarely works.

What if a teen is extremely high-achieving and joyless or has zero plan?

Both extremes are worrying. Hyper-focused kids who squeeze joy out of adolescence risk burnout and poor long-term well-being. At the other extreme, a teen with no plan, no interests, and zero engagement may be sliding toward apathy or depression. The task is to help them find meaningful pursuits and to teach them how to work, accept disappointment, and pivot toward new goals.

How do you persuade a teen to actually do something they resist (like cleaning their room)?

Making teens do things backfires. Instead of commands, use meta-comments and gentle nudges that invite the teen to make choices. For example: “I love you, and I notice you let opportunities slip by. I can’t make you change, but I hope 18-year-old you won’t be annoyed with 15-year-old you.” Then step back. That kind of language respects autonomy while expressing concern.

Chapter six: How do we talk about romance, sexual activity, and relationships?

Romantic development is a normal strand that appears on many timelines. Talk about healthy relationships and agency. Center on what the teen wants and deserves. Avoid framing romance only as a risk to reputation or as a thing to be feared. Instead, teach boundary-setting, consent, and standards for how they should be treated. Worry if a teen’s self-worth depends primarily on romantic activity, if they’re engaging in premature adult sexuality, or if they are involved with partners several years older, which increases power imbalances and risk.

What do you do when a teen is using sex or relationships to fill an emotional hole?

Help them find other ways to build self-esteem. Encourage jobs, volunteer work, creative projects, or sports activities that give them mastery, identity, and non-romantic sources of belonging. If dating is a dominant route to self-worth, step in gently and ask what else would make them feel valued.

Chapter Seven: How do we get teens to care for themselves—brush teeth, sleep, eat well?

This is a hand-off process. Caregivers do everything early on and gradually shift responsibility to the teen. Frame self-care as a sign of growing competence and reliability. Connect visible daily habits to opportunities: if a teen wants to go to a risky party, require evidence of responsible self-care first. Emphasize safety as the motive rather than parental control.

How do we structure consequences so they teach responsibility instead of only punishing?

Consequences should be about repair. If a teen breaks a curfew, grounding for a weekend may be appropriate because they violated an agreement. If a teen throws a party that damages property, the consequence should include paying for repairs, organizing the cleanup, or otherwise making the situation right. Avoid punitive actions that simply exert parental power without connecting to the misdeed.

Do devices ever make punishment ineffective? Should you take a phone for not walking the dog?

Removing a phone for every small infraction is tempting, but it dulls the learning value of consequences. Prefer consequences that are logically tied to the offense. If your teen neglects a responsibility like walking the dog, restore the responsibility and add meaningful tasks that teach accountability rather than simply confiscating pleasures.

Recognizing anxiety and depression—what parents miss

One in five teens has a diagnosed mental health condition, and numbers are rising. Part of this is better recognition and diagnosis; part of it is an actual increase in need. The simplest, most reliable indicator that normal adolescent distress has crossed into pathology is interference with forward development. If a teen stops learning, loses friends, or cannot take care of daily routines, it is time to act.

When a teen says, “I’m depressed,” what should a parent say?

Ask for specifics. “Tell me more. What makes you feel that way?” Take it seriously, validate the feeling, and pursue an evaluation if there is any concern. Depression and anxiety are real health conditions and are often biological. Removing shame and framing care as an act of love helps parents take the right next steps.

What common mistakes do parents make when teens show symptoms?

The two biggest errors are dismissal and shame. Parents often mislabel symptoms as “typical adolescence” or assume the teen is simply being dramatic. Clinicians emphasize seeing symptom patterns the way you’d see signs of a physical illness. Also, parents can take the symptoms personally and feel guilty. Clarify that mental health issues are rarely the result of parenting failure and that seeking help is an act of care.

How do we decide between watchful waiting and active treatment?

Consider whether symptoms are preventing normal development. Mild, short-lived sadness or anxiety tied to a clear stressor may be watched closely. Persistent, worsening, or functionally impairing symptoms—like skipping school, losing weight, or withdrawing from friends—warrant active assessment and likely treatment.

Language matters: how we talk to teens.

Our expectations shape teen behavior. Research shows that teens live up to or down to the expectations we set. If we expect misbehavior, we are more likely to see it. We treat them respectfully not only because it’s their right but because it helps them rise to the occasion.

What do you say instead of “You must respect me”?

Teach politeness as the nonnegotiable baseline. Model respect. If you have rules about tone, make those explicit. For example, “We don’t speak to each other with that tone in this house.” Then hold to that in your own behavior so you can enforce it without hypocrisy.

Practical scripts that work

Parents often ask for exact phrasing. The meta-comment approach is potent because it acknowledges feelings while asserting perspective. Try:

• “I love you. I’m watching how you choose to spend your time. I can’t make you change, but I do worry about decisions that you might regret at 18.”
• “I noticed you snapped back when I asked you to [task]. I don’t think you meant it. Why don’t you say that again?”
• “I want you to keep yourself safe. If you want to go to that party, show me you can handle small responsibilities first.”

These scripts respect teen autonomy, set expectations, and avoid escalations that make teens double down on resistance.

When punishment works and when it doesn’t

Punishment is most effective when it fits the misbehavior, includes repair, and offers a path back. Grounding a teen who breaks curfew is logical; making them pay for damages or organize the fix after throwing a party is repair-focused and teaches responsibility. Taking away pleasures that have no connection to the error tends to teach resentment rather than accountability.

How should consequences evolve as kids age?

Move from direct supervision to negotiated responsibilities. In early adolescence, consequences can be simple and immediate. As teens grow, connect freedom to demonstrated responsibility and public safety. Use consequences to teach how to repair harm rather than simply exert control.

Self-care for parents

Teen parenting is a workout. You cannot be a calm, steady, and effective caregiver if you do not take care of yourself. Treat your own rest, exercise, and emotional regulation as essential tools for parenting. When you are steadier, you provide the consistent presence teens need to feel safe while they ride their emotional roller coaster.

What does “fake being steady” mean?

Sometimes we are rattled. The useful move is to hold a steady face for the teens, even when you feel upset inside. Practically, that looks like taking a breath, choosing your words, and stepping back so you do not escalate. Faking steadiness temporarily gives everyone space to return to a constructive place.

Resources and next steps

Dr. Damour offers a suite of resources, including the updated edition of Untangled, a weekly newsletter, the Ask Lisa podcast, and “Ask Rosalie,” an AI-powered librarian that answers questions using Lisa’s writing. If you are worried about a teen’s mood, seek a professional evaluation—just as you would for a persistent physical symptom.

Where can we find trusted guidance?

Visit drlisadamour.com for a trove of readable material and the Ask Rosalie tool. The seven-strand framework is also available in the book Untangled and in Lisa’s other work focused on adolescent emotional life.

Key takeaways

1. Organize worries around the seven developmental strands to avoid taking teen behavior personally.
2. Watch for interference with forward development—this is the most reliable sign a teen needs help.
3. Teach politeness and model respect; don’t demand respect out of the blue.
4. Use consequences that repair harm and teach responsibility rather than only asserting power.
5. Encourage a teen’s healthy coping and validate the small, teen-appropriate strategies they use.
6. Align expectations with the teen’s goals and be honest about what they can control.
7. Take parental self-care seriously—steady caregivers shape steady kids.

Excerpt we keep coming back to

It’s not about you. Teens are doing a complicated thing: practicing independence, finding their people, and learning how to care for themselves. When we can step back and name those jobs, parenting gets a lot easier.

FAQs

How do I know when to seek professional help for my teen?

When symptoms are persistent, worsening, or interfere with school, friendships, self-care, or planning for the future, seek an evaluation. Examples: skipping school, losing interest in basic hygiene, sudden dramatic drops in grades, or severe anxiety that prevents leaving the house.

My teen refuses to talk. How can I check in without pushing?

Use brief, nonjudgmental prompts: “I noticed you seem down. I’m here if you want to talk.” Offer tangible support like setting up an appointment with a counselor and normalize seeking help as sensible and ordinary, not shameful.

Is it okay to ground my teen for missing curfew?

Yes, if the consequence fits the misbehavior and helps teach responsibility. Pair grounding with a conversation about expectations and a plan for how they’ll demonstrate reliability next time.

How do I help a teen who has no friends?

Explore social skills, expand their activities, and expose them to new groups where like-minded peers gather. Remember: one solid friend is often enough to transform a teen’s social life.

How can parents avoid projecting their own college ambitions?

Check for alignment. Have honest conversations about goals and the many paths to adult success. Make clear which things the teen controls and which are outside their control. Support reasonable ambition without turning it into coercion.

Where do I learn more about the seven strands?

Read Untangled by Lisa Damour, visit drlisadamour.com, subscribe to her newsletter, and use Ask Rosalie for quick answers rooted in her work.

Final note

Teenagers are not a problem to be fixed, but young adults in formation. If we give them boundaries, respect, and the chance to practice responsibility—while staying watchful for signs that development has stalled—we will help them grow into capable, resilient adults. The seven-strand framework gives us a nonjudgmental map to do that work more clearly and less painfully.

This article was created from the video Teen Anxiety & Depression: The Warning Signs Parents Miss Every Day ft. Dr. Lisa Damour | SHE MD for Dr. Thais Aliabadi’s website.